8 steps to being a gym wanker

Well this is embarrassing.

There’s a post on this blog that I really cringe about. It’s from when I first started writing FitBits, in the summer of 2013, when I was head over heels in love with these amazing Brighton bootcamp classes and group exercise, and couldn’t see the point in wasting time on my own at the gym.

In fact I was quite aggressive about how much I hated the gym. I called the treadmill a ‘glorified conveyer belt’ (fair comment though, standing by that one), and bitched about sweaty machines and ‘bimbos’ who sit on their phones not working hard enough to break a sweat (it’s their choice, why do I care?).

I talk about grunters in the weights area, and people taking selfies in the changing rooms, as if it’s some kind of heinous crime. I mean come on, like I’ve never taken a selfie before. 

How to know if you're a gym wanker

Every time I see this bitchy post pop up in LinkWithin when editing or looking at my blog I cringe and hope no one else will see. But it’s actually one of the most popular posts on FitBits, with most traffic driven from organic search. Which basically means new people are coming here from Google, reading me being a misinformed cocky nob and then buggering off into the distance again.

So I’m not gonna delete it – instead, I’m gonna link you to it, but you have to promise to come back and read this post so I can put my 2013 self back in her place…

A 2015 confession

Are you back? Good. I’ve come a long way since that 2013 post. I’m now a fully fledged, selfie-taking, grunting gym wanker, and proud.

How to know if you're a gym wanker

I’m proud of the discipline and motivation I’ve held over the past few weeks of training with Amy from Love Life Fitness in Brighton. I’m proud of the strength I’ve gained and progress I’ve made in building up my weak hamstrings and glutes to make me a faster, stronger, better runner.

I’m proud of leaving a trail of sweat behind me as I lord it round the free weights and functional training machines. (I do wipe it clean though). I’m proud of the stupid noises, (grunts included), that escape my shaking body as I lift heavy and push myself harder than I ever would on my own.

Yes, treadmills are boring, but they are also great – for lunchtime interval training, steady pace work and progression runs.

I can’t tell you if you still have to book in 10 years in advance to get onto one of the classes at the gym now – because I’ve never tried. I’m too busy in the weights room.

Basically what I’m saying, is I was wrong. When you know what you’re doing, the gym is AWESOME. I’m everything my 2013 self hated about the gym and I’m never gonna change.

Are you a gym wanker? See how many of the below you can tick off…

8 steps to being a gym wanker 

1) You grunt like a boss 

Yeah you do. Good work. You grunt, and exhale loudly, and curse on the last rep, because that shit HURTS. You do whatever you need to do because you, my friend, are the BOSS.

TRX pressup into pike – repeat until failure
before going straight into 10 knee tucks (not pictured). Repeat x 3. Then die. 

2) You check yourself out in the mirror as you walk past 

Always suck in though. Always. And flex.

3) A quick changing room flex of the biceps 

Look what you made! You did that. Nice one. You better get your phone out and…

4) Take a selfie 

Or ten. Just in case.

How to know if you're a gym wanker - selfie - Tess Agnew

5) You race the person next to you on the treadmill

Hell yes you do. And if they’re flagging, you up the speed once more whilst casually gazing around the room as if you’re bored.

6) You’re proud of your sweat trail  

Good for you, you’re working hard. But please wipe it clean, and ladies, you wanna hope you haven’t forgotten your work bra this morning…

How to know if you're a gym wanker

7) You’re a hoarder 

Spreading out two barbells, several weights and power bags etc. across no less than three mats is what you need to do.

The first rule about being a gym wanker, is you tell EVERYONE about being a gym wanker. Tell them on Facebook. Tell them on Twitter. And definitely on Instagram.

Never, in any circumstances, must a workout go unshared on social media. You stand there naked and sweaty before getting in the shower to tell everyone about your PB and you do it in a quick and controlled manner.

How to know if you're a gym wanker


So yeah, I’m a total gym wanker, and I’m happy with that. I moved up to a 20kg barbell for chest press today and that makes me feel like a boss 🙂

Are you a total gym wanker like me? How many of the above things do you do? (Honestly!)
What do you love/hate about the gym? 


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